1st July
My colleague Franziska clears her throat and nods towards the glass door that separates our open-plan office from the hallway. Through the pane, I see my boss grinning his horse smile as he shakes hands with a man dressed in a white shirt and beige chinos. The stranger has his back to us—shoulders relaxed, head cocked slightly to one side—and I already know I will find him attractive. The door opens and Franziska wiggles her eyebrows before fixing her gaze back on her screen.
"Listen up, everyone," my boss whinnies and waits until the last pair of eyes is on him. "I am pleased to introduce Sebastian Reever. He has previously worked in Business Development and will reinforce our Project Management division from now on. A warm welcome from all of us, Sebastian."
The stranger takes a step forward and I forget to breathe as I stare, dumbfounded, into the face of my new colleague. As if sensing my gaze, Sebastian looks in my direction and an icy shiver runs down my spine.
"Yummy," Franziska whispers in my ear, and I wince. Too absorbed in my own thoughts, I hadn't noticed her pulling her chair up next to mine. She gives me a worried sideways glance. "Goodness, what's the matter, Kim? You're as white as a sheet."
"I think I'm getting a headache." Escape is all I can think about as I push past a group of colleagues who have gathered at my desk. A rich voice speaks up and I quicken my steps. I hurry into the bathroom and shut the door, blocking out the voice I hoped never to hear again. Feeling sick, I lean against the wall and as I close my eyes, snatches of memories flash through my mind—hot breath against my cheek, the stomach-churning sound of tearing fabric. On wooden legs, I walk to the sink. My hands tremble as I turn on the water and hold my face under the cold stream until my racing heartbeat slowly calms.
2nd July
It's early in the morning, but the temperature is already so high that tiny beads of sweat are forming on my brow. I slowly steer my car into the underground car park of the office building and am blinded for a heartbeat before my eyes adjust to the sudden dimness. Only a few cars are scattered between the concrete pillars, making it easy for me to find a convenient parking space right next to the stairwell. I get out of my Mercedes and sigh in relief at the pleasant coolness around me. The sound of my heels reflecting off the walls is the only noise I hear as I walk towards the stairs. Just as I'm about to open the door, I see a masculine hand reaching over my shoulder and grasping the handle. A shrill scream escapes my throat and I jump back, but am trapped between the door in front and a hard chest behind me.
"Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." The rich voice makes goosebumps rise on the back of my neck that have nothing to do with the cold. The man steps around and inspects me from eyes that are framed by dark lashes.
"Are you okay?" Sebastian asks and dimples appear on his cheeks as he smiles. I nod, transfixed by his stare. When his hand gently touches my arm, I take a step away from him. He retracts his hand and his eyes narrow slightly, as if trying to solve a difficult problem. "Kim, right? I'm Sebastian. Unfortunately, we didn't have the chance to introduce each other properly yesterday."
Like a rabbit ensnared by a snake, I cannot move or say anything while my mind tries to decipher the game he is playing. Although I've lost some weight since college and stopped dyeing my brown hair, I'm sure he must recognise me.
Sebastian chuckles softly. "I must have really given you a fright."
I clear my throat; my smile is as fake as his innocent composure. "Yes, I'm Kim. I'd love to chat, but I just realised I left something in the car. Let's meet upstairs, all right?"
His eyes gleam with amusement; it's obvious he doesn't believe me, but he lets me off the hook as he opens the door. "See you later." The door closes behind him.
While my heart is racing, my feet seem rooted to the floor. I don't know how long I stand there before the sound of footsteps snaps me out of my stupor. All I can think about is how I shall get through this yet again.
4th August
Firm hands are pinning me down as a knee brutally pushes my legs apart. His saliva is like spray on my lips. One hand lets go of my wrist and roughly squeezes my mouth shut when I try to scream. I struggle beneath him to shake him off, but he is so much bigger than me. My strength drains from my body and I realise there is nothing I can do. A hot tongue is licking away the tear that is running down my cheek. The worst is this rich voice whispering in my ear, so gentle and yet full of animalistic greed, that it makes me physically sick.
Open your eyes for me, beautiful.
I snap my eyes open, and nothing but blackness surrounds me. With every pounding heartbeat, my vision sharpens and soon I can identify the outline of the bedside table and the wardrobe at the end of my bed. Although there is no physical weight pressing on my chest now that I'm awake, I still find it hard to breathe. I sit up and run a shaky hand over my face. My brow is covered in sweat and my nightgown sticks to my back. For a second, I fear my legs cannot carry me as I stand up and shuffle through the darkness to the bathroom.
My face, reflected in the mirror above the sink, is pale and weary. I run my finger over the lines that frame my mouth. They have deepened since Sebastian's reappearance. These dreams of him haunt me almost every night, keeping me awake. Whenever he's around, I feel his eyes on me; watching, scheming, waiting. So far he has kept his distance, but for how much longer? I have no proof to expose the wolf in sheep's clothing, so I fear all I can do is to stand idly by until he strikes again.
I wash my face with cold water from the tap and return to the bedroom. Through the window, I see the moon standing high in the cloudless night sky. Dawn is still hours away. I walk to the window to draw the curtains when I spot a moving shadow flit through my backyard and disappear behind the chestnut tree. My breath catches in my throat as horror runs down my spine like invisible fingers. I yank the curtains shut and drop to my knees, hiding beneath the windowsill.
It's him. I have no doubt. He must have seen me standing at the window and moved deliberately to let me know he is out there. Like a panther hiding in the bushes, ready to sink its claws into my flesh when it tires of playing with its prey.
2nd October
I'm frozen in place, even though a little voice in my head whispers that I should have known better. After seeing him creeping around my backyard a few weeks ago, I knew Sebastian could find me. That's why I've been so careful not to tell anyone, not even Franziska, about my new flat. And yet there he is, just a few feet away from me, as if he has every right to be here.
I duck behind a monstrous training machine that is occupied by a bald man. He gives me a curious glance as he moves the enormous weights. The stench of sweat and old exercise mats is making me dizzy as I peer around the training machine to Sebastian, who is standing at the dip station. His shirt is tight-fitting and emphasises the powerful muscles in his back and arms. He keeps himself fit and agile; the perfect predator.
The only exit is to his left, so I have no option but to pass him. A huge mirror stretches across the entire side of the wall he faces, making it easy for him to see who is walking behind his back. I can only trust that he is too absorbed in his workout to notice me. I take a deep breath as I rise from my crouched position and walk down the row towards the door, my gaze fixed sternly on the exit sign straight ahead. Groans of exertion and weights banging against each other form an amazing background noise, which cannot drown out the sound of my heartbeat.
I have almost reached the turnstile when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I wince, causing the person behind me to chuckle. "It seems I've got into the habit of scaring you." As I turn around, Sebastian has a mischievous look in his eyes. "I've never seen you here before. Do you live in the area?"
It's been three months since he transferred to our department, but he still acts like he knows nothing about me.
"No, I don't," I lie. My mouth is as dry as if I had been chewing on cotton wool. I glance around the room. The camera hanging from the ceiling helps to calm me down a little.
Sebastian raises his eyebrow. "Funny. I was sure I saw you last night in the supermarket round my corner. My bad." His alluring dimples appear as he smiles. "Though I can hardly imagine mistaking you for anyone else." His gaze darts over my face and neck, and I think I'm going to be sick.
"Sorry, I'm in a hurry. I'll see you tomorrow." I almost trip over my own feet as I turn back towards the exit.
His laugh is following me. "Jesus, Kim. I almost get the impression you're running away from me."
The casual statement provokes me, and I turn to look back into his amused face. "Would I have any reason to run from you?"
My tone wipes the smile off his face. "Of course not. Why would you think that?" He's such a talented actor that his confusion almost seems real.
Fear constricts my lungs. Gasping for breath, I place my new membership card on the scanner at the turnstile and race through the spinning metal bars.
"Kim, I don't understand—", I hear Sebastian, before the heavy entrance door slams behind me, cutting off his voice.
23rd November
The stairwell is dark, except for the light falling from the hallway through the small window in the door. It's the only place where I can hide from the thundering bass that booms from the speakers set up in the office. I sink down on the top step of the stairs, wondering what I'm doing here. I have never liked company events, which always have a tendency to escalate. But Franziska persuaded me to come along, using her recent break-up as an excuse for needing distraction and my friendly support. The last time I saw her, she was flirting with the bespectacled guy from HR at the makeshift bar next to the gents.
I should follow her lead and relax, but all I can think about is Sebastian. The nerve-wracking wait for him to strike is wearing me down by the day and my constant lack of sleep has already affected my work results, earning me a serious conversation with my boss. To make matters worse, this morning I found a swatch of hair on my pillow. I'm seriously thinking of quitting my job and moving again; a drastic measure, considering I only moved here last year. I would do it though, if I'd see any chance to escape. So far, he always found me.
I take a sip of my beer as the door opens and a large shadow moves in front of the light. My instinct tells me who it is before my eyes can, and I jump up from the stairs. Sebastian's laugh is like velvet-laced steel.
"Always so jumpy," he says, and I can clearly hear the alcohol in his voice. The door slams shut, and it's just him and me. There are no cameras and no one to hear me scream over the deafening music.
"Go away," I whisper as he takes a step towards me.
"Shh, it's all right, Kim. It's just me." Another step and now I can also smell the alcohol on his breath. "It's good to find you here because we really need to talk, I think."
"There's nothing we need to talk about. Please, just go away. Please." I can't stop my voice from shaking, caught between him and the wall at my back.
"Tell me, Kim. Haven't I always been nice to you? And yet you act like a scared mouse every time I'm around you. What have I done?"
"You know exactly what you did. Why can't you just leave me alone?"
"Leave you alone?" Sebastian's words slur into each other. "Honey, I think it's you who follows me everywhere." He's so close, I can't make out his face any longer. He's just a huge black shadow looming over me. "You know, I talked to Franziska about you. She says you two are pretty close, but she admitted that you've been acting weird the last few months. You even moved without telling her."
Although I should know better than to challenge him, his strategy of constant denial of knowing me makes anger boil up inside me. "You know why I did that." I close my fingers around the beer bottle in my hand; a poor weapon against such a superior opponent, but still better than nothing.
"Actually, I don't. All I see is that a woman I barely know suddenly moves into my neighbourhood, appears everywhere I go, and gets all twitchy when she has to talk to me." He props one hand on the wall next to my head and leans in. "I get it—you're shy. But if you want to become better acquainted, just ask." I feel his hot breath against my cheek as he whispers, "I'd love to spend some time with you, beautiful."
His closeness.
His breath against my cheek.
Driven by panic and anger, I don't really think about what I'm doing next. Sebastian doesn't see my attack coming as I push against his chest with all my strength.
His arms are paddling in the air like the sails of a windmill as he stumbles backwards. He reaches for the railing, but his fingers slip. His large body tips and then he's gone. It's strange, for I hear nothing but the rush of blood in my ears and a barely perceptible crack as he lands. On shaky legs, I walk to the edge of the stairs and as I stare down at the motionless, twisted mass, my mind seems to stop working altogether.
The next few hours are like blurred fragments of a movie—shocked faces smeared with mascara tears, wailing ambulance sirens, sombre words of tragic accidents. When I think of that night weeks later, the only thing I remember as clearly as if captured in a photograph, is Sebastian's face before he falls, struck for a second by the hallway light, contorted into a dimple-less mask of shock.
15th May
The restaurant is busy for a Wednesday night as I steer past tables occupied by men in business suits and a rowdy hen party. Franziska waves from her seat by the window and I smirk when I see the ridiculous golden-pink birthday hat on her head. A few of her friends are already there, sitting round the table with beer and wine. Franziska's sister gives me an overly friendly smile to cover the pity in her eyes. I am the girl who had to watch a man fall to his death, and that is how people look at me now. Six months later, I thought I wouldn't be seen as a victim anymore.
I never wanted it to end like this, but at least I have my peace again. Of course, that's nothing I'd say out loud to Franziska or my psychotherapist.
"I'm glad you made it," Franziska says as I hand her my birthday present. I bought her one of her beloved crime novels, something I would never read—too many unwanted feelings. She looks beautiful tonight in her green dress and rosy cheeks. She's buzzing with energy, and I notice her eyes darting between the window and the door.
"Everything all right, Fran?"
She nods, but suddenly flushes as she stares at the entrance. "Guys, I want to introduce you to someone."
A tall, slim man approaches our table. I can't see him clearly from where I'm sitting, but I already know that I will find him attractive.
"This is Kevin. We met at an exhibition a few weeks ago," Franziska says and takes the man's hand.
"I'm pleased to meet you all," I hear a rich voice and a shiver runs down my spine. He steps closer to our table and I forget to breathe as I stare, shocked, into the face of Franziska's new boyfriend. As if he senses my gaze, Kevin stares directly back at me. His eyes are framed by long lashes. He smiles, but all I can see are the charming dimples on his cheeks.
You're gone, you're gone, I chant quietly to myself as realisation hits me in the head like a sledgehammer. The need to vomit is almost overwhelming. I jump up from my chair and run for the bathroom, almost colliding with the server who is coming my way. From a distance, I hear familiar voices calling my name, but it doesn't matter.
Nothing matters anymore, because there will never be an escape.
I know he will always find me.
